To a great, great friend, offering major assistance toward securing a laptop,
I'm crying with the shocking receipt of your email. Why? Kindness. Goodness. There is so little on Earth now. No, you need to hear me. It is not desperation. Maybe it should be, but it is not. It is not my business what the world does, or what the Creator does. It is not my business what any individual does. Ever. Thank the Creator this is true, has been a Truth, an invariable, inviolate truth in my DNA for many years now - 7 or so?
But sadness? Frustration? Longing for things to change, for the next 2000 generations to have a chance? Deep, deep, deep fatigue? Yes.
This morning it was clear to me, but beginning last night, it was clear to me that there is zero threat to the status quo of environmental Armageddon. Zero. I've encountered our most hopeful citizens, quite intensely these last 2 months. I expected to encounter no one, but I was mistaken – folks from Occupy, thought leaders in the anti-global warming movement, and YOU. And by last night....
The computer being stolen was a profound blessing. I get soooooooo caught up in the centrally crucial function of being a tough as nails cheerleader (93% of all True leadership?) that there is much that all the 'noise' that I make drowns out. I'm not meaning to be at all cryptic, but this is the best I can communicate it. So, the theft of the laptop was a gift, an immense Gift of the Creator - 'LOVING, SHUT UP, AND LISTEN, LOOK, WATCH, SEE AROUND YOU.' And what I saw, in part, I wrote just seconds before your email arrived this morning, with detail to follow as I record the attendant video logs and essays for book 2 - Personal Trainer –
· 098. If I fight battles, but am not possessed by a campaign, I'm ranting, not serving. No vision for winning, no hope
· 099. I refuse to not be a True threat to the status quo of needless suffering and death, whatever it costs me
· 100. No unviolent army, no hope
· 101. All I want is a clear view of the battlefield so I know how to best fight
· 102. I'm exactly like a prospector, in a really unpromising stream, prospecting for the least glimpse of Heart(s)
I make zero assumptions of anyone, ever. If I ever share with someone a need of the campaign, I only do so if I perceive that I can do it without laying on pressure. 100.000000% of my hope is in the Heart of people, and anything and everything else is instead of Heart - expectations, pressure....
The ONLY thing I want, bottom line, is for the next 2000 generations to have a decent shot at Life.
I got a really good and unexpected look at the prospects of that here in DC, power capital of the world, and, well, the next 200 billion people are screwed – thanks to the clinical Deadness of the left, right and center. I didn't expect to see that even clearer still, but omg, I'm so grateful I did. All I want is a clear view of the battlefield so I know how to fight. And these last 8 weeks have given me way clearer than I had going in even. The next 200 billion, are screwed.
Point? As I woke in thought this morning, I'm clear, and excited with clarity that 80% confidence level this is time for me to return to the death fast. 'Till enough are seen dying for it, global warming won't stop.' 'When enough are seen dying for it, global warming will stop.' I sent a link yesterday or so of the 17 year old 'child' that addressed the global warming conference in Rio, what, 20 years after the first Rio conference. WE'VE DONE SQUAT. Watch the vid. Trilby I think her name is?
It was more like 98% likelihood of immediate death fast, clear to me, comforting, to begin within the week, and then your email this morning offering major help with the computer / online situation.
If I had a competent laptop, and wifi, and a backup drive or 2 -they stole those too- the vermin can't get $.50 each for them. the truth is, that might change the equation. :-) LOL, and I'm not sure I want that! The notion, unexpected, that return to the death fast within the week is exactly right, was, well, clear, and comforting - a clear track to run on again!
The Dell Vostro would open up a whole new avenue for me fighting - internet, blogging, staying here in front of the Can. Embassy pressing the issue, and taking the Tracking Plan B blog to the next level. And, preparing for death fast Jan 1, by when the DC climate club will have proven once again that, well, they are a club, not remotely an unviolent army – Lincoln's McClellan or Britain's Neville Chamberlain; nor is DC Occupy, which shows near zero chance of becoming as serious threat to the status quo; no disrespect to anyone, but they are here to play, play at activism, not to hold themselves to the standards of the situation, what's needed, the potent activism. (Writing to you just gave me (reminded me of) characteristic 100. No unviolent army, no hope.) Jan 1, 2013, the year to stop the BS, and for citizens to stop watching the club play, and do it themselves.
The requirements of that Dell Vostro avenue are - The vostro, should be under $800 with tax. I spent much of the last 2 days, massively crippled on this netbook, but limping, fully researching, new, refurb, scratch and dent, other manufacturers.... the vostro, new, from Dell would be the weapon. However, the greatest torture of me for years now, since Thomas death, has been the wifi umbilical to the internet - Clear.com - pretty fast, cheaper, and for the next 2-3 months, maybe way cheaper - $25 per month for the next 2-3 mos, then returning to the normal, still way cheaper $50/month. Since Thomas death it has been at risk of dying for lack of funds, almost every month. It is month to month, no contract, just a cred card that they charge, and can be cancelled any time. But the computer war option, vs immediate death fast, would require that wifi be in place, handled, taken care of, off my mind. It is just too draining to wonder month after month if something is going to save it - so, that's another $300 through year's end. I'd need 1 or two backup disk drives. Just started researching them. The vermin got a 500gb drive, but now that those files are gone :-( I don't need that big - probably another $130 bucks total. That's about $1350-1400 bucks!
And finally, and this I'll probably need whether it is to be death strike now, or computer war now - the gift of a used self-inflating sleep mat that I also use on my little folding chair is an incredible comfort gift, but the valve on it is increasingly leaking – This is the item . Regular, not large or xl. $60 or so if one shops carefully.
Did I just ask for all this; any of this? Do I expect you to do it? Will I think less or more of you if you do or don't? NO. NO. NO.
NO. NO. NO.
I'll ponder all this as the day(s) go on. You too. In your magnificent Heart, that I see now, these recent months. What a Godsend. (crying again)
I NEED YOUR READ AND COMMENTS OF BOOK 2 - INSHE Personal Trainer.
Loving u, either way, forever, no matter what
Ps: This heat is quite debilitating, slowwwwwwwing me down.